God Went to Beauty School Read online

  God Went to Beauty School

  by

  Cynthia Rylant

  Contents

  God Went to Beauty School

  God Got a Dog

  God Got in a Boat

  God Bought a Couch

  God Made Spaghetti

  God Went to the Doctor

  God Got Arrested

  God Woke Up

  God Took a Bath

  God Went Rollerblading

  God Caught a Cold

  God Saw a Movie

  God Wrote a Book

  God Got Cable

  God Found God

  God Climbed a Mountain

  God is a Girl

  God Has a Cousin

  God Got a Desk Job

  God Found Some Fudge

  God Wrote a Fan Letter

  God Went to India

  God Died

  About the Author

  Other Books by Cynthia Rylant

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  GOD WENT TO BEAUTY SCHOOL

  He went there to learn how

  to give a good perm

  and ended up just crazy

  about nails

  so He opened up His own shop.

  “Nails by Jim” He called it.

  He was afraid to call it

  Nails by God.

  He was sure people would

  think He was being

  disrespectful and using

  His own name in vain

  and nobody would tip.

  He got into nails, of course,

  because He’d always loved

  hands—

  hands were some of the best things

  He’d ever done

  and this way He could just

  hold one in His

  and admire those delicate

  bones just above the knuckles,

  delicate as birds’ wings,

  and after He’d done that

  awhile,

  He could paint all the nails

  any color He wanted,

  then say,

  “Beautiful,”

  and mean it.

  GOD GOT A DOG

  He never meant to.

  He liked dogs, He’d

  liked them ever since He was a kid,

  but He didn’t think

  He had time for a dog now.

  He was always working

  and dogs needed so

  much attention.

  God didn’t know if He

  could take being needed

  by one more thing.

  But He saw this dog

  out by the tracks

  and it was hungry

  and cold

  and lonely

  and God realized

  He’d made that dog

  somehow,

  somehow He was responsible

  though He knew logically

  that He had only set the

  world on its course.

  He couldn’t be blamed

  for everything.

  But He saw this dog

  and He felt bad

  so He took it on home

  and named it Ernie

  and now God

  has somebody

  keeping His feet warm at night.

  GOD GOT IN A BOAT

  And said “Wow.”

  He’d never actually

  floated in a boat, though

  He’d seen people

  out on the water and

  told Himself He’d have

  to try that someday.

  Water had always bored Him

  until He started seeing

  people having fun on it.

  So one day He got in a boat,

  said Wow,

  and headed out across the lake.

  And the whole world looked different.

  He couldn’t get over it.

  It didn’t look anything like

  it looked from the sky

  or from the ground

  or even from inside a whale,

  which He’d tried once or twice.

  He sat in the boat

  and was surprised how

  much sense it all made.

  All the little houses

  and all the green trees

  and all the tidy cities

  and all the sky and all the land,

  it all made sense.

  He was surprised.

  Because, really,

  He’d just been winging it.

  GOD BOUGHT A COUCH

  He ordered it from Pottery Barn

  and He had a little trouble

  because His credit card

  billing address didn’t match

  the delivery address.

  They weren’t totally convinced

  He was God.

  Because for one thing

  He got His credit card

  bills in Hell

  (just His quirky

  sense of humor)

  and He wanted the

  couch shipped to Heaven

  (the old one was too hard),

  but they didn’t buy it

  until He told them

  how He made the first

  rhinoceros.

  He had it all down,

  the DNA, the chromosomes,

  and especially the

  Holy Spirit.

  Nobody is as convincing

  about the Holy Spirit

  as God.

  They asked Him did

  He want corduroy or leather.

  He said, “What do

  you think?”

  GOD MADE SPAGHETTI

  And He didn’t have a ceiling

  so He tried to make it stick

  to Jupiter

  but that just

  vaporized the noodle

  so God decided to

  HAVE FAITH it was cooked

  al dente.

  He filled up a big bowl

  and got Himself a

  piece of sourdough

  and a copy of

  The New Yorker

  and God

  had supper.

  And He would actually

  have liked somebody

  to talk to

  (He didn’t like eating alone),

  but most people

  think God

  lives on air

  (apparently they’ve not noticed

  all the food He’s created),

  so nobody ever

  invites him over

  unless it’s Communion

  and that’s always

  such a letdown.

  God’s gotten used

  to one plate at the table.

  He lights a candle

  anyway.

  GOD WENT TO THE DOCTOR

  And the doctor said,

  “You don’t need me,

  you’re God.”

  And God said,

  “Well, you’re pretty good

  at playing me,

  I figured you’d

  know what the

  problem was.”

  So the doctor

  examined Him.

  He couldn’t find

  anything wrong

  except a little

  skip in God’s heart.

  “Probably nothing,”

  he told God.

  “But eat more fish.”

  God sighed.

  He was hoping

  for more than that.

  Maybe an antibiotic.

  Or a shot.

  He knew about that

  skip in His heart.

  He knew it was nothing

  fish would cure.


  The skip had started way back,

  when He first heard

  that some people

  didn’t believe in Him.

  It scared Him. Still does.

  GOD GOT ARRESTED

  But they didn’t

  know it was Him

  because He had on

  His disguise.

  It was His guy-disguise.

  He was actually

  pretty proud of it.

  It had a tattoo

  around the belly button

  (which hurt!).

  Anyway, He got arrested

  because He got

  into a fight in a bar

  when somebody said

  something about

  Jesus Christ except

  not in a good way

  at all.

  Might as well have

  insulted God’s mother

  (now that’s a whole

  other story), because

  God—who was only there

  because He liked

  the jukebox—

  lost it.

  And his anger erupted like

  the wrath of…

  Oh, right. Never mind.

  Just be careful

  dropping names

  in Kenny’s Tavern.

  Might be next to a relative.

  GOD WOKE UP

  And He was groggy

  so He got a nice cup of coffee

  and went to sit

  under an apple tree.

  He sat there

  drinking His coffee,

  listening to the birds,

  when all of a sudden

  it hit Him.

  He was happy.

  God was happy!

  And He wished there

  was just someone to see it.

  He’d gotten such a bad rap

  all these years

  for being pissed off

  all the time.

  And He really wasn’t.

  Maybe a little cranky.

  But here He was,

  happy.

  Mellow yellow.

  The birds were singing

  and He was at peace.

  Buddha told Him it

  could be this way,

  but He’d never really

  believed it until now.

  Life really was easier,

  sitting under a tree.

  GOD TOOK A BATH

  With His clothes on.

  His robe, to be specific.

  Why did He do this?

  He was shy,

  that’s why.

  A little self-conscious

  about His body.

  God wasn’t always

  this way.

  He used to be free as a bird,

  running stark naked

  everywhere.

  He never thought

  about bodies at all.

  Then these things

  started coming back to Him:

  The whole misunderstanding

  with Adam and Eve.

  Then circumcision.

  Then talk talk talk

  of everybody being made

  in His image.

  Until He got afraid

  to look in a mirror.

  Everybody had such

  high expectations

  and now He was

  a little insecure.

  Could be He was flabby.

  Love handles on God

  would have to be huge.

  So He kept His robe on.

  GOD WENT ROLLERBLADING

  He loved it.

  He wasn’t very good at it.

  He fell twenty times.

  But God always

  bounces back.

  “Cool!” said God

  as He whooshed

  past the old ladies.

  He felt

  invincible.

  (He knew He was

  invincible

  but He didn’t

  always feel that way.

  Not every day.)

  God made some other

  friends on

  Rollerblades.

  God thought

  they were

  way cool.

  He was proud

  of them.

  Proud that they

  flew their spirits

  down the alleys

  and the boardwalks

  and the streets

  like angels.

  They were, you know.

  And they

  hadn’t forgotten.

  GOD CAUGHT A COLD

  And He was such a baby.

  He never caught colds.

  He loved to brag about it.

  And now here He was:

  snot nosed.

  It’s hard to be

  authoritative

  with a cold.

  It’s hard to

  thunder

  “THOU SHALT NOT!”

  when it comes out

  “THOU SHALT DOT!”

  Nobody takes Him

  seriously.

  And besides,

  He wanted some comic books

  and juice

  and somebody to be

  nice to Him.

  He called up His

  old friend

  Mother Theresa.

  He asked her to

  come over and see Him.

  He asked could she

  bring some comic books.

  And of course she did.

  Mother Theresa loves

  all who suffer.

  Even God.

  Maybe Him a little more.

  GOD SAW A MOVIE

  And it made Him cry and cry.

  He couldn’t get over it.

  He’d seen all the worst

  stuff in real life.

  But this just

  knocked Him out.

  He was mystified.

  He decided to go

  find the guy

  who wrote the film.

  He did,

  and He looked into his heart.

  Normal heart.

  He decided to go

  find the guy

  who directed the film.

  He did,

  and He looked into his heart.

  Normal heart.

  Then He went to see

  the guy who did the music.

  Sure enough: normal heart.

  Then He went to see

  the producer.

  He asked him why normal hearts

  had made God cry.

  And the producer said,

  “It’s a mystery.”

  Well. God understood that.

  He didn’t go looking for

  anybody else.

  Just went home and cried.

  GOD WROTE A BOOK

  No, not that one.

  Everybody thinks He

  wrote that one,

  but He didn’t.

  He’s a better writer

  than that.

  Those guys just

  went on and on

  and did they

  bother to edit?

  No.

  But wouldn’t you know,

  you mention a name

  and you’re in.

  So they said,

  “I didn’t write it,

  God wrote it.”

  A sure way

  to get out of revising.

  But God wrote

  His own book.

  He wrote it for

  one little boy.

  Just one.

  He read it to the boy

  at bedtime

  because the boy couldn’t sleep.

  So God read him a book.

  The boy grew up. He became a writer.

  Which one?

  Not telling.

  GOD GOT CABLE

  And for a week

  watched nothing but.

  Didn’t see the comet.

  Didn’t see the hurricane.


  Missed that baby

  being born entirely.

  Just watched cable.

  Funny thing is,

  He liked it.

  He knew He wasn’t

  supposed to.

  All those girls

  crying about their

  boyfriends.

  All those track meets.

  All that

  soap and toothpaste.

  He liked it.

  Couldn’t help it.

  Then Gabriel came

  over with a deck of cards

  and next thing you know,

  they’ve played poker

  four weeks straight.

  Gabriel’s beard nearly

  as long as God’s

  and corn chips all over the place.

  And what God decided was that

  he liked not cable,

  not poker,

  but a break.

  Every now and then,

  even God needs a break.

  GOD FOUND GOD

  It was the weirdest thing.

  God got all religious

  on Himself.

  He was looking for

  something to do

  so He went into this

  church in Boston.

  One of those churches

  from the 1800s that

  likes to consider

  itself old.

  (This always gives

  God a good laugh.)

  And He was all by Himself

  and it was quiet

  like you wouldn’t believe,

  and up to the sky

  went these beautiful rafters,

  and all around Him

  were these beautiful stained glass windows

  and everybody was praying.

  All the people in the pictures,

  all the statues,

  all the angels in the room,

  were praying.

  God knew better than to look

  at any of the crosses.

  He was still trying to figure

  that all out.

  But He knew that He

  had actually found a Holy Place.

  So He dropped a coin in the

  Building Fund box, before He went away.

  GOD CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN

  And not just any mountain.

  Mount Everest.

  And you know why?